Recently, my college-age son had to contact the IRS to get answers to a complex question. He was intimidated by the process, and we both were concerned that he might not fully understand the questions he would be asked or the information he needed to provide.
In a moment of weakness, I briefly considered posing as my son on the phone using a weirdly feigned deep voice. I knew which questions to ask and which documents to have handy, and the whole process would be so much easier. I quickly came to my senses, though, and realized that impersonating my son would be untruthful and possibly illegal. But more importantly, if I made the call, I would be robbing him of the opportunity to practice some pretty significant adulting skills.
Later, as I reflected on the experience, I thought about the tiny steps parents take each day that ultimately result in raising independent children. What can we do to raise independent children? Here are strategies we can use to help our children develop independence:
Tips for Raising Toddlers
1. Give age-appropriate chores. Toddlers can set the silverware on the table before a meal, put their dirty clothes into a hamper, or throw their trash into the trash can.
2. Offer choices. Allow your toddler to choose an outfit or select a snack from two or three possibilities.
3. Enlist your toddler’s help when packing a bag for daycare or a visit to a friend’s house.
4. Allow your toddler to join you in your hobbies when they show interest. Pull up a stool to the counter so they can help with baking or let them pitch in when you are gardening.
5. Resist that urge to do something yourself because it will be faster or easier than allowing your young child to do it.
Strategies for School-Age Children
6. Evaluate routines to see if you are completing tasks that your child can now complete. There’s a good chance your child is now able to make lunch or email a teacher with a question.
7. Limit homework involvement. Allow your child to complete homework and projects independently, even if you see evidence of mistakes.
8. Partner with your child to plan extracurricular activities. If your child wants to join a team or take lessons, have them research the sign-up deadline, the fees, and any necessary equipment or materials.
9. Ask questions instead of telling them what to do. When your child experiences a disagreement with a friend or believes a coach or teacher is behaving unfairly, ask questions such as, “What options do you think you have? Which option feels most comfortable? How do you want to handle that? What have you tried?”
10. Insist that your child pack their backpack and snacks. If they struggle to complete these tasks, help them problem-solve the routine rather than doing it for them.
11. Avoid delivering missing homework or supplies to your child at school. While they might feel a short-term sting when turning in a late assignment or being benched for not having the necessary sports equipment, they will learn valuable lessons in planning and double-checking.
Tips for Parenting Teens
12. Have your teen take care of routine phone calls or emails. Teens can set up their own dental appointments, call a store to find out if an item is in stock, or make dinner reservations.
13. Avoid communicating with teachers when your teen has a question about assignments or grades. Insist that they email or see the teacher in person. If your teen is nervous, help them role-play the conversation.
14. Serve as a consultant rather than a decision-maker. Allow your teen to make small decisions (where to go to dinner before a school dance), as well as large decisions (when they might take the SAT or ACT). As they grapple with decisions, offer to be a sounding board and ask questions to help your teen reflect. “You mentioned that you want to take the SATs twice. How much time do you think you want to have between the two tests? What makes sense given your college application schedule?”
15. Encourage your teen to complete internship and scholarship applications independently. Provide support for a specific question if your teen initiates a conversation, but resist the urge to tell them what to say or how to say it.
16. Try not to monitor your child’s grades on a daily basis. If your teen is earning strong grades, you can stay out of the process entirely. If your teen is struggling in some classes, agree on a regular meeting time to review grades and progress together.
Habit can be one of the biggest obstacles to raising independent children. As caregivers, we establish routines that fit our child’s stage of development and work well for the time. But fast forward a few months or years. Our children no longer need the same support, but we roll along unaware. Periodically pausing to reflect on your child’s maturity and skill set can help you shift your routines and foster age-appropriate independence.
When we hijack our children’s independence at any stage, we can stifle their skill development and undermine their confidence. When children hear the message, “I don’t think you can do this on your own,” it reinforces dependence. On the other hand, when they hear, “You can do this! I’m here if you have questions,” they feel empowered and supported.
Of course, all children develop at different rates, and the routines that are a good fit for one might not be right for another. Parents of neurodiverse children, in particular, may need to include more support and structure than their same-age peers.
My son’s IRS phone call was long, tedious, and challenging. But in the end, his question was answered. More significantly, he checked off a whole new set of skills needed for independent adulting. These skills will transfer to other scenarios down the line and more importantly, build his confidence on the phone and in real life.
