Q. The holidays are supposed to be fun, but honestly, I’m stressed out trying to do it all – gifts, family, decorations, baking, outings, school stuff, the whole thing. How do other parents keep it together and actually enjoy this time of year?
A. As a parent, you are the leader of your family unit, the one driving the bus, the one steering the ship. This leadership role often involves a hefty load of logistics, planning, physical labor, and time with your kids. The holidays can be a season where this workload increases, and if we are lucky – or maybe if we are mindful – the joy can increase too. There’s no secret formula to making it all work while keeping your cool, but let’s look at some strategies that may help you manage stress and access more joy this holiday season with your family.
First, as the leader of the family, start with a check-in on your own stressors during the holidays. Think, “what comes up for me that really throws me into anxious spiral?” What are some of the triggers that you can prepare for ahead of time? For some of us it may be the house being messier, certain opinionated family members, or even reminders of loss we’ve experienced. Taking time to reflect and build self-awareness around your unique triggers will reduce the amount of shock you experience when these things inevitably come up during the holiday.
Once you’ve identified feelings associated with aspects of the holiday, take a beat to acknowledge and validate those feelings. For example, it makes sense that planning the big family dinner is a trigger for me, because this was always a time when my mom got unpredictable and angry, or because there always seems to be a guilt trip from my mother-in-law about how much time we spend with them around Christmas. Increasing your self-awareness about these triggers also provides you with an opportunity to build new coping strategies and practice how to respond in the moment. It is helpful to build positive affirmations or mantras to use in these moments as well. For example, when I notice that the house is messy, I will remind myself that “the house is messy right now, I am not a mess.” What will you do to ground and center yourself in these moments? Build a plan and practice ahead of time – it frees you up for more presence in the moment.
Second, I’d invite you to take a look at your to-do list. If you don’t have it written, this can be a good next step. From that full list of holiday to-dos, build two categories: your must-dos (non-negotiables) and your may-dos (optional tasks). Sometimes those optional tasks have landed on our list by absorbing expectations of others or even some social pressure from social media. When you are experiencing overwhelm, it is possible that too many tasks have landed on the must-do list in your brain. Making the holidays magical for children is frequently something we as parents are striving to do, and this goal can often generate a long list of tasks and activities that feel imperative for the magic of the season to exist. However, it is this long list that, at times, can inadvertently be the real thief of joy and presence during the holiday season. More than any gift or outing, kids will remember what their home felt like during the holidays. When we make our to-do lists too long or unobtainable, we threaten the peace, calm, and fun of simply being with one another. This is not meant to minimize the significant tasks that are so real in parenting during the holidays, rather it’s an invitation to dig in and decide for ourselves what is important and what feels optional.
The last strategy I want to explore for you here is leaning into fun. Children are fun experts – they look for play and joy in any setting. As adults, we get disconnected from this at times because of long to-do lists, stress, or our own difficult experiences from the past. Fun is beautiful because fun lives in the present moment. Being fully present in the moment is a reprieve from worry; it engages us in connection with those around us. So, will that later-than-usual dinner at a restaurant with gorgeous decorations create fun (presence and connection as a family)? Or will it be a situation where the adults are working hard at managing little kids out past their bedtimes just to check the box of “creating holiday magic?” Will you have more opportunity for fun if you cook an elaborate meal that is time-consuming, expensive, and possibly not well-received by little kids? Or have a pancake night with special toppings? There are plenty of times our job as parents is to be the fun police – we have to say no a lot, and we still will during the holidays. However, if we are on a mission to seek more joy during the holidays, we might all consider leaning into the play, laughs, and ease that can come with following the children’s lead for having fun and being present when we can.
