Q. Our family is entering the holidays after experiencing the loss of someone close to us. I know this season may feel different for my children, so how can I support them as they navigate grief during the holidays?
A. The holidays are often a time of magic, joy, and excitement. For many of us, the holidays can also be a time when grief feels heavier than usual, especially if a loss is recent. Navigating grief is difficult on its own, let alone during the holiday season, but it can be especially difficult for children experiencing this complicated emotion. Here’s how you can show them support and help them get through this different holiday season.
Understand how children grieve.
Children experience grief differently than adults, largely due to their still developing emotional regulation system. They experience many of the same feelings we do after loss, but how those feelings show up may look more erratic. For example, your child may be sad and crying one minute, then laughing and asking to play with friends the next. They may also show regression in some behaviors, such as an older child having difficulty sleeping alone or a fully potty-trained child having accidents again. This is all normal.
Kids also need accurate information about death and other losses experienced by their family. It is important to be clear and direct and use developmentally appropriate language to talk about what happened.
Create space for all kinds of feelings.
Grief is not one emotion. Talk to your children about all the feelings that can come up after a loss and validate whatever their experience is. Let them know that it’s okay to have moments when they are sad and would rather not engage in holiday activities, in addition to moments when they are excited and joyful for the season. It may be helpful to check in with your children before, during, and after holiday activities and celebrations to see if they need time to chat or a break from the action.
It is also important to allow yourself to express grief as you need to. Children do not need us to be stoic in our healing. They actually benefit from authentic expressions paired with explanations of our feelings. When children see us experience an emotion and regulate it, they experience more comfort in navigating their own.
Establish a sense of safety for them.
After a death, it is helpful to keep routines predictable for children. During this holiday period, it can be helpful to continue with the most important traditions your family enjoys during this season. It is okay to have a different experience this year, and maybe for every year to come, but revisiting what is familiar by way of your family traditions can give kids a sense of continuity that enhances their felt safety as they are processing the loss. Continue to give children the choice about how much or how little they engage in a holiday event or activity. Give yourself permission to do less too, especially if doing less creates more space to be present and connected to your children during this difficult time.
Remember your loved one.
The holidays may be a good time to talk about new ways to remember your loved one by forming a new tradition, sharing something the person enjoyed, or creating a more frequent ritual of remembering. Involve children in thinking about ways to remember your loved one and bring up the person who has died, even when your child does not. Children may be concerned about upsetting you or not know how to bring them up. Say their name, talk about memories, and invite your child to engage in crafts, activities, or meal-prepping that remind them of this special person.
Seek outside support if needed.
You know your children best. If you notice that there’s a prolonged shift in their day-to-day functioning that does not seem to be improving over time, a therapist can be a wonderful resource for them. If at any point holding space for your children and managing your own grief begins to feel like too much, you may also benefit from speaking with a therapist for additional support and guidance.
