Q
My seventh-grade son has started painting his fingernails and has asked me for permission to get his ears pierced. I’m not sure how this will be received in our family or by his peer group. Would you say yes to this request?
A
Pre-teens and teens frequently use their appearance as a way to express their internal experiences, to experiment with their identity, or to identify themselves as part of a particular peer group. All of these can be tied closely with their self-esteem at this age, so it is important to proceed with caution when addressing your son’s style. Instead of making judgments about his nails or ears, seek first to understand what this shift in style means to your son. Consider this shift in your son’s appearance as an opportunity to connect with him.
Parents must try to understand a teen’s inner life, express genuine interest, and suspend our own concerns about the new look. This will give you an opportunity to nurture your relationship and build trust, which is crucial during the teenage years.
As children turn into teenagers, there will be many points of tension with their parents. To reduce the frequency of power struggles and maintain a strong relationship, it can be useful to allow pre-teens and teens the freedom to make choices about their appearance (within the limits of keeping them safe). What is most important is how your son is feeling inside about his own choices. We want to reinforce the confidence he has in exploring what feels best to him, while avoiding a focus on gaining the approval of others. You may even find an opportunity to tell your son how great it is that he chooses what feels right to him: “I really like how you know who you are and find ways to express that.”
Q
A close relative has been diagnosed with late-stage cancer. This will be our kids’ first experience with losing a loved one. How honest should we be with them?
A
Be honest with your children in a way that is appropriate for their age. Ignoring this topic may actually increase their anxiety about death. Offer children ways to express their feelings to the family member if appropriate, like making a card, visiting, or calling the loved one. Kids learn how to identify and handle their emotional responses primarily from their families. Show your children that your family is a safe place to share feelings and allow them to process this loss in a healthy way.
Kids do not need to hear the medical details of what will happen throughout the cancer treatment, but they can be given information about general progress, coupled with opportunities to process their feelings. If your child has difficulty talking about her feelings, engage her in free play (this is the primary way children process feelings), or use books to facilitate conversation. If your family has a spiritual or religious connection, this is also an opportunity to share with your children how to use a connection with a higher power as a source of support.
As an individual who will be grieving as well, it is also important to take care of yourself by talking to friends and family and staying connected to any other support resources. When you take care of your own feelings, it will help you stay present and grounded when talking with your children.
Q
We recently moved from an area of the country where very few people of color live. I’ve noticed that my 4-year-old is avoiding a child in a play group, and I think it’s because of the color of her skin. As a white parent, how should I help her move through this and play with the child like she would any other friend?
A
It is normal for children to begin to notice differences after a certain age, especially when they have not been exposed to people who look different from themselves. Start with some self-reflection about your own knowledge and awareness around race. Being curious about our own biases as it relates to race is crucial if we want to raise children who are anti-racist. Notice ways you may stereotype or make assumptions about folks because of the color of their skin and work on addressing this within yourself. In addition to our own work, it is important to help children understand and embrace differences in people. Introduce TV programs, books, music, toys, foods, and activities that reflect diversity. Pay attention to those you interact with and strive to expand the diversity in your own circle. When children ask questions directly about differences in people, welcome these questions with openness and give answers that encourage your child’s empathy for all people.
It is important to talk with your child about race and how people have been treated unfairly because of race in our country. You can foster the value of equality in these conversations with children even at a young age. Be open to their thoughts about this, and discuss how to treat all people with kindness and empathy. You do not have to have all the answers to engage children in these conversations; it is okay to say, “I’m not sure” or “Let’s think more about that together.” To explore this topic further, I recommend the book, How to Raise an Antiracist, by Ibram X. Kendi.
