Q.
I love being a parent and love being with my children, but lately I notice how overwhelming things can feel – so many decisions, and it’s so much work trying to make sure they have what they need. I worry so much about if they are going to be okay. I feel like it’s starting to take a toll on me. Shouldn’t this come more naturally? Any tips for handling all of this?
A.
It’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed as a parent. In fact, the U.S. Surgeon General recently released a public health advisory on the mental health and well-being of parents which included data showing that 48 percent of parents (close to half of us) report feeling completing overwhelmed with stress on most days. That’s an extraordinary number! Parental stressors include things like financial strain, concerns of children’s health and safety, parental isolation, and difficulty managing technology, social media, and cultural pressures. The Surgeon General’s advisory shares that parents are spending more time engaging in primary childcare than before and they are also working more hours than before. The demands of child caregiving and work have reduced parents’ time in leisure activities, sleep, and time with a partner. Your specific stressors may or may not be mentioned here, but either way, your experience of stress is one shared by many parents, and it is important to know you are not alone. Stress is also not a sign of you doing anything wrong; rather it is part of the heavy (although joyful) work of parenting.
Parents need caregiving, too.
There are steps that our government, employers, and community organizations can take to improve the well-being of parents, such as expanding funding for programs that support parents and their families, creating social infrastructure to bring parents and families together, and ensuring parents and caregivers have access to high-quality mental health care, to name a few.
There are also ways that we, as parents and caregivers, can address our stress and promote positive mental health for ourselves. You have demonstrated one of the most important ways we can do this by posing this question – name it. We need to talk to other people about our experience of parenting and normalize how hard it can be. It will help us make a cultural shift, so that asking for help in our parenting seems as natural as seeing the pediatrician for a childhood fever. When parents talk about our experiences and seek support, we strengthen our capacity. Support might be found within your natural support system like family members, friends, and neighbors. For some, seeking support from mental health therapists, parenting education providers or coaches, or school-based professionals may also be important.
Parenting in-community is important.
We were never meant to parent in isolation, but rather in-community. Being connected to others who are also raising children is important for our well-being as parents and caregivers. We need the trust and safety established in a social network where we can come as we are with our families. If you don’t currently have this in your world, it can be daunting to think of where to start. You may take some steps toward building social connection by reaching out to parents of children you hear your child mention, or if you aren’t quite there yet, it may be connecting with parents you see at childcare drop-off or at a library story time. Spend time at local parks or outside in your neighborhood and introduce yourself to other caregivers. Faith communities, local parenting support groups, or PTAs can also be places to make connections. Be open about your desire to build up your parent friends, and you may be surprised how many other parents are seeking the same kind of connection.
Self-care can be hard to come by as a parent, and it is true that none of us can pour from an empty cup. It is important to remember that time away from your children to engage in a recreational activity you enjoy or to catch up with a friend is good for everyone. However, as a parent myself, I have found it difficult at times to carve out significant time for me-time. It can help to rethink what we constitute as self-care (sometimes it might only be five minutes) and to find ways to incorporate it into our everyday routines. For example, we go outside, take off our shoes and stand in the grass (mindfulness/grounding), have dance parties after dinner (movement), or schedule quiet movie nights in our pajamas (rest and leisure). It is also helpful to savor the joys that are apart from the work of parenting. For example, before going to bed, pull out one moment where you felt so connected to your child or a moment you shared a laugh, and revisit this moment in your thoughts, feelings, and body. Use positive affirmations before bed to remind yourself of all you are doing well. There is no such thing as perfect parenting, so be sure to use self-compassion when reflecting on your day.
Pay attention to when you have been feeling bad, particularly if it does not seem to be improving with regular self-care or connection with others. Be aware of when you may be experiencing signs of a mental health condition and seek the care of a professional. Remember 9-8-8 is a resource for anyone experiencing a mental health crisis or emotional distress and can be accessed via text or call.
Parenting is a profound responsibility. Prioritize your well-being, ask for help, and seek out connection and community. Let’s raise the next generation together!
