Q. My 6-year-old son often becomes upset when he doesn’t immediately succeed at something, especially when he’s trying something new. For example, when we tried learning to ride a bike last week, he got frustrated and started yelling when he couldn’t balance properly. How can I help him handle his frustration better and encourage him to keep trying, even when things don’t go as planned?
A. Trying something new is exciting, and as parents, we often feel a strong desire for our child to get it quickly. In our eagerness for them to reach a new milestone or achievement, we may inadvertently add extra stress. Before jumping into some ideas, it’s important to pause and get comfortable with our child being in a state of learning. Our calm and trust in the process can make all the difference in helping our child, whether they’re learning to ride a bike or facing any other challenge. So, start by asking yourself: “What is my energy like around bike riding? How can I reduce my own stress about the process before supporting my child?” As always, it begins with us, the caregivers.
Frustration tolerance is a skill that we can support our child in developing. It is a skill that’s largely influenced by the experiences a child has around learning and what is modeled for them around coping with frustration. You may start by normalizing frustration as an experience, rather than an emotion, that we all encounter, especially when we are trying something new or challenging ourselves with something we don’t often do.
Talking with your son about frustration as an expected part of learning can help build tolerance for it when it shows up. You might describe frustration as the space between “knowing how” or “figuring it out” and “not knowing.” Or you may try describing frustration as a friend of learning – an emotion that comes along for the ride and actually lets us know we aren’t there yet. We can further normalize frustration by sharing with our child about our experiences of frustration and modeling ways to move through the frustration. It can also help to teach children to acknowledge their frustration by saying, “Hi there, frustration!” or even inviting your child to name their frustration something unique. When we acknowledge and name the emotion, it helps us externalize it. When we create some distance between ourselves and the frustration, we are more likely to be able to work with it versus feeling overwhelmed by it.
In addition to normalizing, it helps to model and teach coping strategies for frustration. How does my child see me handling frustration? You might even try making a mistake or trying something new in front of your child and then talking through how you are reacting to your own frustration showing up. Maybe you overpour some black pepper next time you are cooking and have to start over, or you try out a new dance move and miss the steps. After your flop, name your own frustration out loud and then demonstrate ways to take a break before trying again.
When you know your child is likely to experience some frustration, you can start the conversation before he attempts the new thing to help prep him for that experience. During the frustration, bringing your connection and presence to the experience will support his ability to regulate his emotional state. You can validate the frustration and let him know you’ll be with him while he figures this out. Communicate your confidence that he has what it takes to do the hard thing. You may even brainstorm with him what he might do if he feels overwhelmed or like giving up. You can practice some tools like taking deep breaths, playing something fun instead for a bit, or crafting positive affirmations he can repeat in the moment.
There are also ways we might unintentionally hinder our child’s ability to develop skills for managing frustration. If we often rush in to “fix things” or shield our child from failure, we may be limiting their opportunity to build frustration tolerance. While we all want happiness and success for our children, much of that comes from genuine self-confidence, which is largely built on the internal belief that they can handle difficult challenges. The confidence in handling hard things does not come from getting it right every time or from having someone handle it for us; it comes from learning from our failures and having adults available to offer emotional support and communicate trust in our progress.
