The holidays are stress-filled for most couples, but for those newly separated or divorced, the stress level increases astronomically. Extended families are involved. No one seems to understand what you are going through as a newly single parent. Kids want to do things that aren’t in the divorce plan. Ex-partners get upset easily with changes. How are you supposed to navigate all of this? Here are five steps to help you get through the holiday season while co-parenting:
- Try to stay calm and focused on what is best for the children involved.
- Try not to take stress out on your co-parent or your children.
- Try to understand that the holidays are chaotic, and flexibility is often necessary.
- Do the best you can in each moment and forgive yourself easily.
- Enjoy the holidays — each year comes and goes so quickly, and our children grow up way too fast.
Sounds simple, right? But sometimes it’s easier said than done. When your ex calls to change the Thanksgiving dinner plan for the third time, it is easy to get upset and take this frustration out on those around you. Or when your former mother-in-law gives your 12-year-old the sought-after gift that you already bought the week before Christmas, it is easy to blame your ex-spouse. However, we can all roll with the ebbs and flows of emotions and stress more calmly and reasonably. Is it really your ex-wife’s fault that her aunt’s plans for Thanksgiving dinner have changed three times? Did your ex-husband really know that his mother bought the only item on your daughter’s wish list? The answer is probably no.
If you are navigating the holidays for the first time as a newly separated or divorced parent, it can be an especially difficult time of year. Be kind to yourself and understand that this year is different, emotional, and stressful — even without the holidays thrown into the mix. It’s okay to take time for yourself. It’s also okay to buy gifts for yourself — wrap them up and throw them under the tree so you have gifts to open as well. Lean on friends you can count on to help you get through, attend a support group meeting for those navigating divorce, or contact a counselor.
If you are having a difficult time co-parenting with your ex during this time of year, it’s important to lay the ground rules up front. Perhaps go over the schedule in your separation agreement or divorce decree together to avoid any misunderstandings, communicate clearly and try to avoid any changes, and most importantly, do your best to leave the children out of these discussions and any conflicts that may arise. You don’t want your children feeling guilty if they want to spend time with their other parent’s family. It’s important to instill respect for each parent’s family — despite your own personal feelings.
It is important for us as parents to remember that our children feed off our energies. If we are calm and full of joy, our kids will be as well. If we are stressed and dreading the holidays, our children will learn to do so as well.
