My soon-to-be eighth-grader has a crush on a neighbor. A few summers ago (pre-crush and pre-pandemic), I let them hang out together in her bedroom. I don’t think that’s a good idea now. Any thoughts on how I should approach this?
My initial thought was that if your eighth-grader is in fact in a dating relationship with the neighbor, then there are some boundaries that should be set based on your level of comfort. Having a crush, however, is not the same as dating. If their friendship is such that hanging out together in your daughter’s bedroom is currently allowed, then it may be too soon to jump the gun and alter those rules just yet. If you do continue to allow them to be in her room, you might consider asking them to do so with the door open, since you are aware of your daughter’s feelings.
Primarily, what you are considering is how you would like to establish communication with your soon-to-be teenager when it comes to informing you when or if the relationship changes, and whether it will be necessary to have a chat when you notice a change.
If the relationship does change or if dating becomes a part of the picture, then it’s an appropriate time to discuss healthy relationships, boundaries, what behavior is allowed in the house with a girlfriend or boyfriend. Of course, you don’t have to wait for a dating relationship to be established to have this conversation. Depending on the type of media that is consumed, whether or not sexual education has happened in health class, or just normal conversation among adolescents, it’s likely that your child is already quite aware of the types of behavior that can happen between couples behind closed doors. Now is a great time to have a heart to heart with your child explaining that you are not comfortable with the two of them hanging out in her bedroom and why.
As for this gray area of crush versus relationship, your approach might be to start with a chat with your daughter about her crush and your feelings about younger teens and dating. Are you open to it? Or would you prefer that they maintain friendships and focus on school? What do you believe are the benefits or drawbacks of dating during adolescence? If you are open to dating, but prefer that they refrain from physical displays of affection in your home, explain why. If your ultimate goal is safety or preventing pregnancy in the case of a heterosexual relationship, then discuss what steps you’d like the teens to take to achieve those goals.
Ultimately, work toward establishing an agreement with your teen about what will be appropriate in your household when it comes to friendships and dating. Bringing down the hammer about expectations without explaining why or considering input from young teens is far less effective than having an agreement that aligns with your values and acknowledges this stage in their growth and development.
As a parent, when you open the door for consistent and non-judgmental communication, your child is more likely to come to you with problems and share information about their relationships – something every parent appreciates.
