When my middle schooler was four or five, she had the hardest time going to sleep at night. She later told me, she remembered lying in bed and thinking that her whole family was going to die if she fell asleep. Now I’m watching a young nephew of mine deal with an irrational fear that has to do with (I think!) his recently diagnosed food allergies. Do you have any insight on how to help young children work through irrational fears?
From our adult brains, it is much easier to label a child’s fear as irrational and feel pulled into saying things like “There’s nothing to worry about!” or “You are safe – don’t worry about it!” There is nothing wrong with these comments and obviously they stem from adults wanting to reassure and protect our children from feeling anxious. However, when we make comments like this in response to fears, we may actually be making things worse.
In helping young kids with fears, we want to start from a place of separating the content of the fear (in this case, perhaps having an allergic reaction) from the feeling the child is experiencing (nervousness and anxiety). It is important to understand that the anxiety is real even if the content of the fear doesn’t make any sense. We want to prioritize the feeling and let go of our desire to talk our child out of what they experiencing.
Many of us (myself included!) can remember saying things like “There’s nothing to be scared of – monsters aren’t real!” or “Don’t worry – Mommy will live forever!” or “You’ll be fine, you’re a great swimmer.” While these comments are made with love, they run the risk of teaching children to doubt their emotional experiences and leave them without opportunities to build skills for dealing with anxiety. The content of our children’s fears and anxieties will change as they grow, but the experience of anxiety will continue into adulthood. When we see fear manifest in a child, we are being presented with an opportunity to build resiliency in the child’s relationship to anxiety.
A parent’s presence is the single best approach when it comes to helping kids manage fear. We cannot take away all experiences of anxiety, but we can add elements of safety that can positively influence a child’s long-term relationship with anxiety (or any feeling). Adding our presence to the child’s experience of a feeling is like taking their hand and walking down the path with them. Instead of using a comment like “You’re fine!” to push away, try connecting with the child to learn more about the fear. For example, you may bring it up by saying something like “I noticed that there is something about eating – maybe your new allergies? – that is not feeling so great. Can you tell me more about that?”
When we invite a child to walk us through their fear, we are letting them know that we are comfortable and can tolerate this. This kind of sturdy leadership increases a child’s confidence that they, too, can learn to tolerate the discomfort of anxiety. Elicit descriptions from your child about how they experience the fear. Ask them how big the fear is, when it tends to happen, and what they notice in their bodies when it comes up. Validate the experience of anxiety: “I get that. I sometimes felt really nervous about things like that when I was a kid, too.”
For a young child, using play can be a very effective way to express fears. You may use dolls, stuffed animals, or puppets to play out a dinner scene. Take on the role of a worried toy who isn’t sure about eating dinner and try out ways to support the toy through the experience. When you spend time exploring the child’s fear and anxiety, they have the opportunity to build their tolerance of it.
After you connect with your child about the fear, teach coping skills that can support them in facing the fear the next time it comes up.
Again, we can’t take away anxiety forever, but we can give our children tools that improve their relationship with anxiety. Revisit how their body responds to anxiety and encourage them to use this information as a signal to use coping skills. Strategies like taking deep breaths, using mantras (“I am Charley, I can do hard things.”), talking to an adult, squeezing a special blanket, or imagining a safe place are all strategies a parent or trusted adult can practice with children to build their confidence with anxiety.
