In my household, the first drop of rain is often followed by this question from one of my four children: “Mom, can we play with Play-Doh?”
Play-Doh, kinetic sand, or air clay are staples in most families. For us, these items stay tucked away most of the time. And here’s why: You can only play with Play-Doh when it’s raining. Or so my children think!
This invented rule – or creative parenting as I like to call it – has served us well over the years. There’s nothing worse than being cooped up inside with a bunch of stir-crazy kids when going outside is not an option. Play-Doh is a non-screen activity that will occupy my children for hours on a soggy day. That’s because it feels like a treat since it’s only something we do occasionally, versus being available all the time. My kids honestly believe this rule is law and have asked me why their friends can play with their Play-Doh no matter the weather. “Their parents must not know that rule,” I respond innocently.
Why Family Rules Are a Good Idea
Rules are important. History and many an academic research paper tell us why. Just like rules are important to maintaining a functioning society, rules are important for families to maintain balance and harmony. Children need boundaries and they thrive when expectations are clear. House rules can help a family not just survive, but thrive.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) advocates for establishing family rules and has some excellent advice and resources on its website: CDC.gov. Family rules help create structure, according to the CDC. A family rule is a specific, clear statement about behaviors you expect in your home. And rules work best when there is consistency, predictability, and follow-through.
Some rules are universal. The Golden Rule is a great example: Treat others as you expect to be treated. Many other rules are family dependent, as they should be. In my home, some rules apply to mealtime, including: take your dishes to the sink and throw away any trash after dinner to enjoy a small dessert; and drink only milk, water, or zero-sugar drinks after five o’clock. Another house rule for my kids? Unpack your backpack, then wash your hands immediately when you get home from school.
Aditi Wardhan Singh, mom of two, author, self-publishing coach, and founder of Raising World Children (a resource for parents focusing on inclusivity and growth mindset), says she has house rules, too.
“I have a ton of rules,” says Singh. One of those house rules is making sure meals are well-balanced.
“I’m okay with a cookie if you also have some milk to at least get some protein. I encourage a mix of fiber, protein, and carbs. The combination has to be there,” she says.
Other examples of house rules that could work for any family include: always knock on closed doors before entering; pick up after yourself; and if you use the last of something, add it to the grocery list or alert your parents. These are good rules for everyone to follow!
House Rules for the Holidays
As we are in the thick of the holiday season – which admittedly has taken over most of the calendar – house rules can play an important role in managing what is often a busy and stressful time.
You may have just deployed house rules related to Halloween candy. Some parents count out pieces of candy and cut their children off after they reach the gobbling limit. Others negotiate how many bites of veggies need to be eaten at dinner to receive candy as a dessert. Deciding what works best for your family is key.
On Halloween, I allow my children to pick either one big candy bar (if they are lucky enough to score such a coveted treasure) or three smaller, fun-size pieces of candy when we return home from trick-or-treating. They’ve walked a lot of steps to get that candy, and my philosophy is they’ve earned it, and it’s once a year. After that, there’s usually a big candy swap among them as they admire their haul. Then we stash the rest of their goodies in labeled bags so they can munch on it a piece or two at a time.
The holiday season provides many occasions to establish house rules. When it comes to packing for a holiday trip, for example, I set parameters in advance. Each of my kids gets one small suitcase, a toiletry kit, and a backpack. I have a list of must-brings in terms of clothing and personal care items, and otherwise, they can pack what they want with these two stipulations: It must fit in their bags, and they have to be able to carry their bags. It’s fun to watch them negotiate with each other on extra space, and they also learn priorities. I have one who can’t leave home without at least five books and another whose collection of stuffed otters must travel. This house rule around packing and travel gives the kids ownership and takes some pressure off parents.
Singh suggests involving your kids in age-appropriate household chores, which can be especially helpful at the holidays.
“It’s our home, not my home, and contributing to chores like vacuuming or unloading the dishwasher is an easy way to get kids involved and share the workload,” says Singh, who notes she does not pay her kids for house chores unless it is something out of the ordinary she would consider paying someone else to do, like weeding or yard work. “During the holiday season, include [the kids] in the shopping, cleaning, and cooking. These tasks are important and it helps them understand family dynamics.”
Singh advises families to keep house rules similar during the holiday season and ensure that expectations are clear, especially when there may be pressure to alter a normal family rule, like amount of allowed screen time.
“The holidays are a great time to let [children] be bored,” says Singh. “You’ll be surprised at what creative opportunities they can find.”
I tend to agree. Straying too far from year-round rules can make it difficult to get back on track. However, a bit of wiggle room – perhaps an extra hour of screen time or staying up a little later than usual over holiday break – could be a welcome incentive or reward for everyone.
If you’re an Elf on the Shelf kind of family, house rules can be overseen and reinforced by that all-important behavior report to Santa. For those not familiar with the concept, the premise is that each night, your elf flies to the North Pole to tell Santa Claus whether children have been naughty or nice. Even the idea of a naughty-or-nice list can provide backup to help keep kids in check and playing by the rules.
A friend uses another creative parenting strategy during the holiday season that’s related to expressing gratitude. If a gift is shipped to her home, the thank you note has to be written and mailed within two weeks of opening the gift.
House Rules and Holiday Tech
Holiday gift-giving can mean new tech and electronic devices in the home. It’s a good idea to establish your house rules right out of the gate. Screen time is, no doubt, one of the biggest parenting challenges of our time.
My household has settled on the following: No small screens on school days. This means no Kindles, no Nintendo, no tablets – nothing handheld – to serve as a distraction during the week. It also prevents having a device too close to little faces as kids settle down to sleep. I do allow TV watching because that’s what is right for my family. The last thing my kids do before going to sleep is read a book or have a book read to them.
Singh’s house rule on screens is no devices Monday through Thursday with a two-hour limit on weekends.
According to the Mayo Clinic, evaluating children’s screen time is critically important, especially as students spend considerable time learning in classrooms and doing homework on computers and tablets these days. The experts at the Mayo Clinic say it’s important to engage kids in physical activity.
Though it’s easier said than done, parents might come up with a house rule that requires kids (and yes, adults) to put away devices and engage with each other and the world in tangible ways.
Physical activity requirements can be closely tied to rules around tech time. Kids need physical activity to build strength, coordination, and confidence – and to lay the groundwork for a healthy lifestyle, according to KidsHealth.org. Consider using activities like walking, riding a bike, or simply playing outside as a gateway to electronics. When a child logs a set amount of time of exercise, for example, it could translate to a certain amount of weekend screen time.
The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends the following:
- For children ages two to five, limit non-educational screen time to about one hour per weekday and three hours on the weekend days.
- For ages six and older, encourage healthy habits and limit activities that include screens.
- Turn off all screens during family meals and outings (a great house rule, don’t you think?).
- Learn about and use parental controls.
Limiting screen time not only helps parents keep a closer eye on what their children are experiencing online, but also reduces possible health implications, including obesity and issues with sleeping. For kids, especially teens, there are studies exploring screen time and its relationship to mental health issues, such as anxiety, depression, and attention span.
Enforcing Your Family Rules
An important component of any house rule is enforcement. Back to some good advice from the CDC, all family members should try to get on the same page about rules. Parents can hold family meetings to talk about and establish rules. You might also post the rules somewhere in the house so everyone can remember what has been agreed to.
Children will need to be reminded of expectations through repetition. It’s important to ask all caregivers, from sitters to grandparents, to be consistent. And be sure to enforce your house rules and apply appropriate consequences when rules are broken. It’s not an easy job, but somebody has to do it.
“As a parent, you have to be okay with being the bad guy, and it’s hard and exhausting to enforce the rules,” Singh says. “Parenting is a job, and we must make sure we are trying our best to do it right. If they break a device rule, take the device away. If they don’t follow through with an assigned chore, hold them accountable. It’s hard but necessary work.”
Singh likens it to teaching when she says teachers repeat rules in their classrooms for a reason. Parents must do the same at home to maintain expectations. Actions have consequences, and it’s important for kids to be conscious and aware of this life fact when they become adults.
Singh also advises parents to not let peers influence the rules you make for your family and to get comfortable with the notion of others sharing opinions about your parenting decisions. I can relate to this. A friend of mine was surprised when I reported that I would not be getting my middle schooler a phone. We settled on a highly controlled and slightly less expensive smartwatch instead. This option provides communication and safety options without the same functionality and addictive quality of a phone. For my forgetful son, it also cuts down on the chance of losing an expensive electronic device.
“But every middle schooler has a phone,” she said. “Not mine,” I responded firmly. I had to stand up for what I knew was right for my family and my child.
“Fear of judgment and failure are real, but what is right for your family might not be right for another – and vice versa,” Singh says. “It’s important to look at what works for your family and acknowledge that rules can change and evolve over time.”
Ultimately, when you are developing your creative parenting strategies during the holiday season and beyond, you must rely on your instincts. Making rules is easy. Breaking rules is easy. Enforcing rules is hard.
Singh sums it up like this: “You don’t have to answer to anyone about the rules you have – and on the flip side, don’t judge others.”
