Q. With summer break here, my two kids (ages 6 and 8) are spending a lot more time together, and the fighting over toys, screen time, and space is constant. What are some effective ways to help siblings share and get along better when they’re around each other all day?
A. With more time together, the dynamics between siblings may become more noticeable or amplified. We can actually frame this as a great opportunity to “check the pulse” on the sibling dynamics in our home and explore ways to nurture their connection. The behaviors we see among siblings are just the tip of the iceberg of all the sibling feelings that exist naturally in a family system. It’s helpful to start from a place of allowing all feelings to be present. It is normal to have feelings like anger or jealously bubble up between siblings, and communicating to our children that all feelings are allowed is an important first step to turning down the intensity of how those feelings are externalized. The other important piece here is to understand behaviors, like fighting or not sharing, as a difficulty with regulating these big feelings toward our siblings. Understanding what the behavior is communicating – what’s the story behind all this fighting and bickering – will help us be effective in how we address it.
Having siblings is hard! Children are wired to attach to their parents, and siblings activate fears of abandonment and competition for attention and love at a subconscious level. It’s natural for kids to have a wide range of feelings about their siblings, and it’s not realistic for us to suggest that they should always be happy together. The more we name these difficult feelings and allow space for them, the less likely that they will come out as problem behaviors. Children having special time to connect one-on-one with their parents is one tool for increasing their sense of security in the family. I suggest trying 10 minutes of one-on-one time with your 6-year-old and 8-year-old daily – time with no screens or distractions. Use the time to enter their world – mirror their play, describe what you see, and put your full attention on them. When children’s connection cups are filled up in this way, they have more space for positive interactions with their siblings. The other thing to consider here is that while all feelings are allowed, all behaviors are not, and regulation skills are what allow us to experience feelings without engaging in behaviors that make relationships hard. Building regulation for jealousy, anger, and upset gives kids the space to develop positive relationships with their siblings (and everyone else for that matter).
Let’s look at intervening in an argument between siblings – maybe they both want to play with the one hula hoop, right now! It can be helpful to wait a bit before jumping into an argument if everyone is safe, as sometimes our kids know how to simmer it down without our involvement at all. Our goal for intervening with sibling arguments is to offer co-regulation and promote problem-solving between the children. When we see an argument start to build, we might step into the space and say something like “Whoa, there is a lot happening here. I see we’ve got two totally different ideas about how to handle it too.” Name what you see without judgment and without suggesting you know what’s best. Next, show them how to calm their bodies down. We can’t access problem-solving when we are dysregulated. You might demonstrate taking a deep breath or walking away for a minute for a drink of water. Then, remind your children that they have what it takes to solve problems together, that you trust they know how to talk it through together. If they get stuck or haven’t had enough practice with problem-solving, you can also sprinkle in various ideas about how people may approach a sharing problem together, saying, “sometimes people decide to take turns, bring in a second toy, or decide that one toy is too hard so it’s off-limits for now. I’m not sure what you two will decide, but I trust you can do it together.” When we step out of being a referee, we quiet some of those natural competition feelings that can bubble up in sibling dynamics, and we create more space for the sibling alliance
to strengthen.
Sometimes, we won’t be able to take this slowed down, skill-building approach. If there is something dangerous happening in the sibling argument (such as bullying, name-calling, hitting, etc.), it’s important we embody our authority and set the necessary boundaries to ensure everyone is safe. We can take the item that is the source of the fight and say “I’m taking this now. It is my number one job to keep you both safe, and safe right now means going to separate spaces. I’ll come talk to both of you in just a minute. I love you both, and we will figure this out.” Using firm language like “I will not allow those words in our home” is important to establish boundaries. In talking with both siblings after an interaction like this, allow each kid to get their perspective out and be open to learning more about how they are experiencing these arguments. Outside of the tough moments, build relationship and regulation skills by sharing stories about yourself and how you navigated difficult moments.
Parenting multiple children is undeniably challenging, but within that challenge lies a powerful opportunity: to create a nurturing environment where our kids can develop the relational and emotional regulation skills that will shape their adult lives. By reading this column, you’re already engaging thoughtfully with how you respond to your children, and that kind of intentional presence goes further than we often realize, especially in the midst of a long summer day filled with sibling squabbles.
