Q. My elementary schooler has started putting himself down a lot, and I’m noticing more negative self-talk. Is this normal? What can I do as a parent to support his confidence and emotional wellbeing?
It’s great that you’re noticing and listening. In some ways, it can actually be a positive sign when children say negative things about themselves out loud — externalizing those thoughts can help keep them from becoming the only belief they have inside. When kids share these thoughts with their parents, it can also be a bid for connection with you and an invitation for you to better understand what’s going on in their inner world.
Let’s start with what many of us instinctively do in these moments — we jump in with something like, “No way, you’re so smart!” or “Don’t say that about yourself!” That knee-jerk response comes from a place of care and love, but at the same time, these responses can sometimes unintentionally quiet kids from sharing their thoughts or minimize their feelings underneath those thoughts. When any of us are experiencing something painful, we usually need someone who will listen, not someone who tries to convince us nothing’s wrong. Talking with kids about their emotions sends the message that what they’re feeling matters and is worthy of attention — and that message is a powerful builder of self-confidence.
So, next time you hear negative self-talk, pause and validate the feeling you suspect is connected to your child’s thought. If he says, ‘I’m the dumbest one in my class,” youmight respond with, “It sounds like being in class is feeling really hard right now. Tell me more about that.” When we listen to our child’s hard feeling or experience, there is a release that happens for them. They may not suddenly feel better, but they will have the experience of no longer feeling alone, which is what kids often struggle with the most.
After validation and learning more about your child’s experiences, you can also try talking with them about self-talk — the “voices” we all hear inside of us — and explain how we all have parts of ourselves that can be a little rough and parts of ourselves that are more positive. For example, you can point out that he has a super kind part of himself that helps his family or a brave part of himself that successfully takes on challenges. None of us are just one thing, and introducing this concept of different parts of self can give kids a tool for navigating moments when negative self-talk is loudest. Encourage him to speak directly to his negative thoughts. Can he name that part of himself and engage it in a conversation? The goal is to help kids get to a place where they can say, “Okay, I see you and hear you, self-doubt, and I’m going to make a little space so I can work on this math worksheet.”
To help support their self-confidence, find ways to highlight how great your child is exactly as they are. Remind them that their worth doesn’t depend on school, friendships, sports, or any other achievement — they are good and valuable simply because they are them. You can also promote a growth mindset in your child by discussing how skills can be developed with focus and hard work. When praising your child, focus on the process or the effort he displays instead of praising the outcome of things like grades or points scored to show that his performance in relation to other people is not what’s important. Our words matter in shaping their emerging sense of selves.
You can also teach growth mindset self-talk by introducing mantras or phrases he can practice when he notices the negative, or fearful parts of himself getting louder. Encourage him to say the positive self-talk in front of a mirror, out loud to you, and to write down in a journal. Rehearsing these messages can be another tool to boost selfconfidence when facing something new or difficult.
One last thing to consider is how you talk about yourself, especially in front of your children. When we make a mistake, do we say, “Oh gosh, I’m so stupid,” or do we say, “Whoops, looks like I’ll need to redo that”? As with so much in parenting, being aware of what we’re modeling really matters for our children’s developing self-confidence and behaviors. That doesn’t mean we have to get it right all the time, but it does mean that speaking kindly to ourselves can go a long way in showing our children how we hope they’ll treat themselves.
