Q: My kindergartener is having a really hard time with separation at drop-off and says she doesn’t want to go to school. She was so excited about starting and now our school mornings are brutal and full of tears! How can I support her in feeling more comfortable and confident about starting school?”
A: Morning transitions can be especially tough at the start of the school year, and you’re not alone in facing that struggle. For many parents, it’s a challenging shift, and for your kindergartener, it’s an entirely new world. Along with a new routine, they’re navigating big emotional and developmental changes. It helps to think of this as a two-fold adjustment: What do you need as a parent to adapt to this new phase? And what does your child need to feel supported during this transition?
This kindergarten transition can be emotional for parents – it’s a big leap. There is a new school for us to learn (hello five new apps and websites to check), school procedures to figure out, and possibly new before- and after-school care and routines that impact our own rhythms. As the parent, you too are going through a change, and it’s important to validate the work involved in that. In addition, we may have some feelings – positive, negative, a mixed bag perhaps – about our child entering kindergarten.
If you haven’t had an opportunity to share all of this with a partner, friend, or in a journal, that would be an important thing to do before launching into strategies to support your kid. We need to ask ourselves “how am I doing with it?” In addition to checking in about this transition, we might also notice how we are reacting to the school reluctance or refusal from our child. Are we getting triggered? Mornings can be a flurry of activity in a family household. Everyone has somewhere to be, there are lunches to pack and clothes to get on, and the energy can be intense. How are you reacting to that? What can you do to be in a calm, grounded place before supporting your child with their morning routine? None of us can live in a state of 100 percent Zen all the time, but it is important to work on our own self-regulation around frustration and worry to better support our children with this transition. If you notice you’re getting overwhelmed with the morning shuffle, consider what you can do to have 10 minutes of alone time before it’s time to wake up children, or find a way to check off any of the morning tasks before bed the night before.
Now let’s consider what your child might need. With almost any parenting challenge, the first thing to focus on is our connection to our child. During times of transition (and kindergarten is a big one), our children may be seeking additional reassurance that their safe haven (us!) is there with them and prepared to catch them, comfort them, and support their exploration. Sometimes, these additional bids for connection can look like behaviors that are tricky to navigate: tantrums, refusal, whining, or stalling at bedtime. Carving out time to focus on connection is important always, but especially during times of transition. Make time to get ice cream, go for a walk, sit and play LEGOs on the ground; follow your child’s lead and enter their world, without an agenda, and just be with them. Having this special time can fill your child’s cup in preparation for the emotional project of starting a new school.
Outside of this special connection time, validate your child’s feelings around school and get curious about what may be contributing to their reluctance. Explore what all the different facets of their new school life look like. Ask about each part of the day and really listen for spots where you may be able to offer some additional coaching/support. When the opportunity allows, rehearse skills that may build their confidence and brainstorm with them how they can seek help from other adults when they are at school. Allowing kids to tell their own story about their school experience and our ability to really listen deeply without negating or minimizing can allow some of the feelings to shift and soften. Bringing our presence to those experiences – even if it’s only in retelling them and not physically being there – can be enough to bolster a child’s confidence. Anxiety or worry about school is frequently compounded by an adult saying something like “there’s nothing to worry about; kindergarten is so fun!” When we use phrases like that, we are unintentionally dismissing the very real and valid experience of the nervous feelings that go along with change.
One more thing to mention here is the importance of building relationships with the school staff, being as involved as you can be, and advocating for your child’s needs when necessary. If having a designated school staff member support you at drop off would aid your child in the transition, you can check with the classroom teacher or school counselor about options for this. Befriend the school staff and assist them in getting to know your child and what will support her in thriving at school. Your child seeing this bridge between home and school may also alleviate some of the worry about the new setting.
If trying all these strategies for a period does not seem to alleviate your child’s anxiety and reluctance about school, I encourage you to schedule time to discuss this with the school counselor and seek out additional professional support as necessary. Navigating a season of transition and school hesitancy can be exhausting. The daily pushback and morning battles may leave you feeling like things will never change. But remember: every challenge in parenting is just that, a season. Trust that you and your child will make it through to the other side.
